Monday, July 17, 2017

Moments of Doubt

I was told by my counsellor that I am 'stressed'. I denied that I am - I mean, I'm a counsellor myself, for goodness sakes! Of course I can diagnose myself, right? Yet, as she went through the symptoms one by one, I realised that I WAS stressed.

My tummy is all knotted up. It's funny because I know that I know that I know that my God always comes through. But maybe it's everything - maybe it is the Masters in Counselling and the humiliation of having to do a lesser paper instead of a thesis... maybe it's seeing my youths unhappy and dragged on when I'm used to seeing them happy and bold... maybe it is church and feeling nervous because of all that has happened with PK and the others and never sure of my footing in church... maybe it is home and family... I don't know.

I feel tired because I know I've got to be there for everyone. It's a leader's job, isn't it? But I don't want to be a leader. I want to let go .. run away... I really relate to what Pst Sarah shared in her sermon (incidentally, I like her preaching style!) I just wish there are no changes. I'm so tired. I'm so tired.

Thursday, May 4, 2017

Are My Dreams Worth It

More often than not nowadays, I wonder if my dreams are really worth it. 

It's hard to get counselling work. I'll never forget my shock at what Shelter Home for Children did. Deceitful and cruel after all I have done for them. To this day, there are MY contacts giving them free goods and services, yet this is how they repaid me. 

So what do I want to do? I honestly don't know. Do I not want to continue a lucrative and sure business, even if I hate the work, that will at least guarantee a safe future for me and my family? Can I throw away all THEIR hopes and dreams for a selfish dream that doesn't even pay money? And for what? 

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Where is Your justice?

We talk a lot about "God being a Just God" ergo, we have to come to Jesus with our sins and receive salvation etc. etc. because God cannot let unclean and unholy things next to Him. Something like that.

Yet, when I see someone who has hurt by taking advantage becoming a COUNSELLOR and worse, a BIBLE COLLEGE LECTURER on COUNSELLING... I question God's justice.

How can You be a just God when that happens? Has the someone repented? Has the someone changed? Or is the someone using her position as a counsellor to youths to hurt more people? And really, God, letting her not just into Bible College, but to LECTURE in Bible College?

And the victim? Wandering like an aimless soul... Full of mistrust of church leadership... Never given the open door by You to go to Bible College. How is that justice? How is that fair?

Is this what You mean by justice, God? Then, honestly, I hate Your justice. It is cruel.

Friday, January 20, 2017

Inner Vow

I have a new inner vow to add - Never ever trust pastors. Well, I could add in church staff considering what happened with F, but I think that's not fair to cool church staff like Z and C.

It's been a very rough January. Shelter got back to me AFTER the work year had started to inform me that they do not want me back. Christian organization, they are. I had horrid itchy spots break out all over my body. I reported a case of child abuse and I've heard nothing back from JKM. A very strange woman wrote a nasty comment on my FB (I don't know her!) calling me a 'dumb bitch'.

Most of all, I had the stupidity to actually talk to a pastor about my concerns. Dumb me. The whole thing blew up in my face. I will never talk to a pastor in confidence ever again.

All I have in my life is God, but now church has become scary and messy. I can't even find a cell group, and after this mess, it is hard to find one, and to find the courage to try.

God, Your words to me were, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." But God, if that is true, why this mess God?

Monday, October 31, 2016


That's an ugly name for a title, but I couldn't think what else to call this post! Lols!

It's been so long since I wrote, and so much has happened. I was too busy, and then too tired and sick, to post much last year. And this year has gone by in a whoosh! Update: I'm doing my thesis having completed all my intern hours and a stint in Shelter as a temporary Manager of the Girls Home. I loved being with the girls very much! So funny that last year, I was with teenage girls too! Expedition Agape Malaysia 2016 has finished as well... so much passed...

Last year, I was down to 46kgs by the end of the year, though I think I rallied just thinking about going back to Malaysia. I collapsed for almost a month... unable to walk except for a few steps... Literally collapsing on sofas and my bed in Penang for that duration. Visiting doctors who had no idea really what was wrong with me.

And now Halloween, and I've put on tons of weight! That's a rough one for me to deal with, with all that I've gone through in the past. A part of me wants to panic and revert back to my old behavior. A part of me whispers, "Wait... Hold on... Let the Lord heal you from the inside out... Don't panic... All will be well."

I have 4 ballet classes this week, my legs and body rejoicing to move again! My limbs are tight and my body stiff despite the years of training.

I wonder how 2016 will end?

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Into the deep wells

We just had a 3-day Grief and Loss Workshop. I don't remember much of it; I found out I have a pretty bad case of ADD!

I missed out on one segment because I was outside with someone who needed someone to talk to. Later on, my classmate told me about it. There had been an empty chair demonstration. That, by the way, for all those who don't know, is one of the most painful exercises ever. But this lady, who had courageously demonstrated the exercise, said that she had never healed or talked to anyone about what she had gone through.

My classmate was very affected by it. She was afraid that someday she would be less than a good counsellor because of it. Her fear made me think. I didn't want to end up someday being a counsellor who skims the surface because I'm afraid of going deep. So I decided that I would need to start accessing the deep wells of emotions that I normally never dare to delve into.

It's funny, but the best way for me to explain that is that I started to feel as if I was coming alive again. I could even feel my fingertips, which I can't normally feel. I can breath deeply. More than any of that, I can feel again. It's a heaviness right now, but that is congruent with how I do feel these days, as I leave the comfortable womb of HELP Uni and head to Singapore. So I'm allowing myself to feel the heaviness, knowing that like all feelings, it is transient and it will go.

It feels good to feel again. Painful, but good.

Sunday, February 15, 2015

Sometimes it's so hard having a dream that others don't understand. People give me queer looks and so often the inevitable question comes, "Why is that your dream?" And it's okay if they accept my explanation, but often they don't. One of my classmates happily told me, "I'm curious! Don't you know I'm someone who is always curious?" as she probed and probed, asking me "Why".

I'm so inspired by Nicole Bromley... The first person I know of who's dream is to help survivors speak. I don't know why I'm so 'duh'... It took me awhile of reading the book 'Hush' before I realised that this was my dream on paper. And I felt so encouraged reading it, knowing that halfway across the world, God had given the same dream to someone else.

It is hard looking for books on this subject. It is hard asking my lecturers questions in class, especially if sometimes they don't know the answer and they step all over the topic with hard shoes of questions and statements without knowing it. It is really hard.

This, to me, the epitome of courage. I thought at first that it was easy for her to share. But then I watched this video and realised that no, it is not any easier for her than it would be for anyone else. Look at how she wraps her arms around herself, holding the pain in. But she dares to share so that others can be free.