Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Sensitivity Camp

I received so much healing last week during sensitivity camp. It's crazy to think that it took less than 24 hours.

We were so so so blessed to have Dr. Anasu to be our counsellor. If ever I learnt how important it is to speak up, having her be our counsellor was proof of it. It's a long, and anyway not-to-be-published story of how she became our counsellor, but I am so grateful, as are most of my classmates.

The exercises were simple. Ones that I would use myself with our kids. But her counselling of each person... Oh wow....

But I was stuck. I couldn't cry, couldn't feel, couldn't... Well, pretty much how I am a lot of the time...

She seemed to not press very far with me which puzzled some of my classmates with whom she took a long time.

And she shared about her personal story. At that point, relating to what she was sharing, I was close to tears, but still managed to hold on.

I chose to sleep downstairs on the wooden bench in a sleeping bag. My classmates were like, "WHY?" but I just needed that space. Was chatting with the guys who were sleeping downstairs till like 4:30a.m. I'm so grateful to Alvin who took the time to read scripture over me and pray with me. It meant so much.

When I woke up at about 6a.m. (barely had any sleep!), I woke up in tears. Finally the questions and statements that Dr. Anasu had made the night before struck home. I cried and cried as silently as I could.

Dr. Anasu emerged from her room at about 8:30a.m. and seeing me sitting in the living room, she came over. She asked a couple of questions about coffee and stuff and then she was like, "Are you ok?"

That was enough for me. In tears, I poured out how I felt... How tired and frustrated I was that the same issues had popped up again in her counselling last night after all the work I had done on myself... And right then and there she affirmed that I HAD done a lot of work on myself. Then I told her that her question of, "What if I took away your dream right now?" had struck me so hard. Because I have nothing left in the world that I want besides my dream.

She reminded me that I can always build a new dream.

I'm not going to put much down here as a lot of it is private but just what I want to remember...

"Even if you don't do anything else, right now, you would still help a lot of people. That's why you are amazing."
"There is NOTHING WRONG with you."
"Do nothing... relax and reconnect with yourself. You can connect with many people but there is a disconnect with yourself."
"Why is it so hard to love yourself? You love so many people, but why aren't you worthy of that same love that you give to others? Why do you need to earn the right to be here?"

Healing... just healing... to know that there is nothing wrong with me, and that I just need to relax and reconnect with me. I keep reminding myself of this and I feel so much peace and hope inside me.

I am just so amazingly overwhelmingly blessed.

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