Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Into the deep wells

We just had a 3-day Grief and Loss Workshop. I don't remember much of it; I found out I have a pretty bad case of ADD!

I missed out on one segment because I was outside with someone who needed someone to talk to. Later on, my classmate told me about it. There had been an empty chair demonstration. That, by the way, for all those who don't know, is one of the most painful exercises ever. But this lady, who had courageously demonstrated the exercise, said that she had never healed or talked to anyone about what she had gone through.

My classmate was very affected by it. She was afraid that someday she would be less than a good counsellor because of it. Her fear made me think. I didn't want to end up someday being a counsellor who skims the surface because I'm afraid of going deep. So I decided that I would need to start accessing the deep wells of emotions that I normally never dare to delve into.

It's funny, but the best way for me to explain that is that I started to feel as if I was coming alive again. I could even feel my fingertips, which I can't normally feel. I can breath deeply. More than any of that, I can feel again. It's a heaviness right now, but that is congruent with how I do feel these days, as I leave the comfortable womb of HELP Uni and head to Singapore. So I'm allowing myself to feel the heaviness, knowing that like all feelings, it is transient and it will go.

It feels good to feel again. Painful, but good.

Sunday, February 15, 2015

Sometimes it's so hard having a dream that others don't understand. People give me queer looks and so often the inevitable question comes, "Why is that your dream?" And it's okay if they accept my explanation, but often they don't. One of my classmates happily told me, "I'm curious! Don't you know I'm someone who is always curious?" as she probed and probed, asking me "Why".

I'm so inspired by Nicole Bromley... The first person I know of who's dream is to help survivors speak. I don't know why I'm so 'duh'... It took me awhile of reading the book 'Hush' before I realised that this was my dream on paper. And I felt so encouraged reading it, knowing that halfway across the world, God had given the same dream to someone else.

It is hard looking for books on this subject. It is hard asking my lecturers questions in class, especially if sometimes they don't know the answer and they step all over the topic with hard shoes of questions and statements without knowing it. It is really hard.

This, to me, the epitome of courage. I thought at first that it was easy for her to share. But then I watched this video and realised that no, it is not any easier for her than it would be for anyone else. Look at how she wraps her arms around herself, holding the pain in. But she dares to share so that others can be free.

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

That's an amazing thought... Acknowledge the child who was the 'saviour child'. I never thought of that. I always thought that was something to be angry with. It's amazing to think it's something to be acknowledged.