Monday, July 17, 2017

Moments of Doubt

I was told by my counsellor that I am 'stressed'. I denied that I am - I mean, I'm a counsellor myself, for goodness sakes! Of course I can diagnose myself, right? Yet, as she went through the symptoms one by one, I realised that I WAS stressed.

My tummy is all knotted up. It's funny because I know that I know that I know that my God always comes through. But maybe it's everything - maybe it is the Masters in Counselling and the humiliation of having to do a lesser paper instead of a thesis... maybe it's seeing my youths unhappy and dragged on when I'm used to seeing them happy and bold... maybe it is church and feeling nervous because of all that has happened with PK and the others and never sure of my footing in church... maybe it is home and family... I don't know.

I feel tired because I know I've got to be there for everyone. It's a leader's job, isn't it? But I don't want to be a leader. I want to let go .. run away... I really relate to what Pst Sarah shared in her sermon (incidentally, I like her preaching style!) I just wish there are no changes. I'm so tired. I'm so tired.

Thursday, May 4, 2017

Are My Dreams Worth It

More often than not nowadays, I wonder if my dreams are really worth it. 

It's hard to get counselling work. I'll never forget my shock at what Shelter Home for Children did. Deceitful and cruel after all I have done for them. To this day, there are MY contacts giving them free goods and services, yet this is how they repaid me. 

So what do I want to do? I honestly don't know. Do I not want to continue a lucrative and sure business, even if I hate the work, that will at least guarantee a safe future for me and my family? Can I throw away all THEIR hopes and dreams for a selfish dream that doesn't even pay money? And for what? 

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Where is Your justice?

We talk a lot about "God being a Just God" ergo, we have to come to Jesus with our sins and receive salvation etc. etc. because God cannot let unclean and unholy things next to Him. Something like that.

Yet, when I see someone who has hurt by taking advantage becoming a COUNSELLOR and worse, a BIBLE COLLEGE LECTURER on COUNSELLING... I question God's justice.

How can You be a just God when that happens? Has the someone repented? Has the someone changed? Or is the someone using her position as a counsellor to youths to hurt more people? And really, God, letting her not just into Bible College, but to LECTURE in Bible College?

And the victim? Wandering like an aimless soul... Full of mistrust of church leadership... Never given the open door by You to go to Bible College. How is that justice? How is that fair?

Is this what You mean by justice, God? Then, honestly, I hate Your justice. It is cruel.

Friday, January 20, 2017

Inner Vow

I have a new inner vow to add - Never ever trust pastors. Well, I could add in church staff considering what happened with F, but I think that's not fair to cool church staff like Z and C.

It's been a very rough January. Shelter got back to me AFTER the work year had started to inform me that they do not want me back. Christian organization, they are. I had horrid itchy spots break out all over my body. I reported a case of child abuse and I've heard nothing back from JKM. A very strange woman wrote a nasty comment on my FB (I don't know her!) calling me a 'dumb bitch'.

Most of all, I had the stupidity to actually talk to a pastor about my concerns. Dumb me. The whole thing blew up in my face. I will never talk to a pastor in confidence ever again.

All I have in my life is God, but now church has become scary and messy. I can't even find a cell group, and after this mess, it is hard to find one, and to find the courage to try.

God, Your words to me were, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." But God, if that is true, why this mess God?